Against - Moi
Clog. Never in the history of fashion has the name of an item so aptly described its function. It quite literally does what it says on the tin. Clog. You clog up a drain with too much hair dye, you clog up your arteries with one too many cheesecakes and you clog up not only the creative ‘flow’ of an outfit but, to be perfectly frank, the pavement with clogs.
Let’s be honest darlings; clogs are only one step up from the fashion-catastrophe-of-epic-proportions that are Crocs and that’s only because they don’t have obscene gaping holes everywhere. It still doesn’t make them any less fugly than their rubber counterparts. In my opinion both deserve to go straight to jail without passing go or collecting the £200 that you forked out on them.
The fact that “Alexa Chung wore them on the cover of Vogue so they must be okay is not an acceptable accuse for inflicting such horror on society. Unless your name is ‘Heidi’ and you live in the countryside of
Sweden or or you are going to a fancy dress party as a Dutch maid; there is simply no acceptable reason for you to be caught, dead or alive, in clogs. And besides, as her outfit at the 2010 Elle Style Awards showed; even the style goddess that is Alexa Chung can occasionally get it oh-so-wrong as can Chanel who are doubly guilty of committing what can only be described as crimes against humanity; one for Alexa’s ‘grandmother’ attire and secondly for currently selling a pair of clogs for the bargain price (please note the heavy sarcasm) of £400. Photographic evidence now exists that just because something is ‘Chanel’ or that ‘Alexa Chung wore them’ does not make them fashionable by any stretch of the imagination. If Alexa Chung can get it wrong and fail to make clogs look stylish, then my friend, step away from the clogs immediately because you don’t stand a chance in hell. Holland
Did I forget to mention that they are also hideously impractical? Firstly what on earth do you wear them with? Gypsy skirts died in 2005 so they’re out of the running and to be honest; unless you have legs as long as the M5 clogs are a huge no-no with skirts or dresses. Which only leaves trousers. They look downright bizarre and clumpy with skinny jeans and not everyone can pull off high-waisted bell-bottoms so the list of people who can successfully wear them continues to shrink. They look appalling with socks (maybe even worse than *gasp* socks and sandals) so you have to wear them barefoot meaning that they can’t be worn for a good half of the year. And at least Crocs have a sling back; clogs are super-uncomfortable and contain no support whatsoever so not only do you walk funny in them, trying not to make your feet fall out and embarrass yourself by leaving your shoe behind; but you certainly can’t go to gigs, clubs or run for the bus. “So when, where and how can you wear them?” I hear you cry. That’s a very good question indeed my friend.
You and I both know that the ginormous chunks of wood otherwise known as clogs are destined to fall out of style as soon as you leave the shop with your hideous pair and then you are left £100 poorer and even worse, with a pair of one of the most hideous shoes known to man. Do not despair however; you do still have two remaining options. You could always go camping and throw them on the fire, I’ve heard they make excellent firewood and if you don’t want to burn them I will happily do it for you. Or failing that, the only thing left to do is change your name to Heidi, leave behind all your friends and family who were smart enough to not buy a pair, and move to the mountains of Holland. Don’t worry though, you’ll fit right in and look on the bright side, at least there your clogs are guaranteed to never go out of style. Because they’re worth it, right?
For - Barbara
Chanel. To be honest I'm not a massive fan. The predictable black and white and black and white, maybe occasionally pink. The pearls. The well grooming. Just doesn't hit the spot for me. But, S/S 2010 was definitely one of their collections that captured me. And it wasn't the temporary tattoos, straw bags or fake flowers luring me in, it was in fact the appearance of the Dutch dynamic clog! And I thought, "Hey, that shoe is worthy of being on my feet! You're not overtly feminine and you have a bitch of a heel, lets be friends". The genius Phoebe Philo @ Celine also chose to rebel against frivolity in her collection via the clog. And if Celine and Chanel are doing something (check out Viktor + Rolf a/w 2007, for some sick clogs!), it will be in your wardrobe in at least 18 months (depending how fashion forward you are) and this not a bad thing at all.
So, I understand that the clog is pretty hard to get your head around as a fashion concept. But get your head around it because it will be here to stay. Until, we need to take them to the cobblers to be polished and we will have to wear our loafers instead. And in response to those who say that you don't want to look like a Swedish maid or whatever - the Swedish are freakin' immense and are highly responsible for the fantastic top-knot hairdo and we salute them, whilst wearing our five inch clogs (despite the rubbing). What is more one cannot draw parallels between the Clog and the Croc, apart from the both consisting of the letters "c" and "o"- the clog offers sophistication, rocknroll and vigour unlike the Croc, who's only good points are being wipe clean and breathable.
Those who slag off the clog only fear it and (probably) lack balls. And you know what they say ... the only way to get over a fear is to confront it. So, there should be nothing stopping you jumping on the clog-band-waggon!
So what do you think darlings, to clog or not to clog?
Stay safe and chic mes chéries,
English Rose x