See You Anon?

Bonjour mes amies, I promised you a ranty post and a proper explanation for my insane absence, and if nothing else, I keep my promises so here it is. Get yourself a cuppa, put on your reading glasses, and I'll begin:

Although I'd be lying if I said studying at one of the world's best universities, trying to have a "normal" (and semi-sane) teenage experience, single-handedly creating a fashion magazine, juggling all the extra-curricular and "self-improving" skills and activities I undertake in my capacity as a masochistic over-achiever, being somewhat "fashioned-out", and trying to handle all the other balls of fire life throws your way, didn't all play their part in my flaky neglect of this blog in recent months, the biggest reason of all is the hardest to overcome.

Regular readers will know that when I first started this blog three years ago, my life wasn't exactly in a great place. Like many bloggers, this place became a life-changing and dearly treasured refuge and escape from the "real world". By connecting with truly wonderful people from all over the world with similar likes and interests, many of whom I now consider every inch as "real" as my other friends, I not only began to find the self I'd so spectacularly lost, but I found a whole load of other things I didn't even know I was looking for. Words can't express how much you guys and this blog will always mean to me.

Although this blog now gets thousands of hits every week, it has never been about numbers for me. It has always been, and will always be, about the individual people behind the screen. One reader who took the time out to read one of my ranty posts (like this one) or someone taking the time out to email me to say how inspired they have been mean so much more than any of the perks and wider recognition that may come my way. In many ways, you guys know a me that the people in my everyday life never will, or at least didn't until very recently.

I deliberately started writing this blog under an alias in order to afford myself the freedom from the social constraints and pressures that so imposed and restricted upon my everyday life. My life is a constant battle between the extrovert and introvert within me, the bubbly and frivolous "fashionista" and the serious, introspective and intensely private and guarded Cambridge student. Both sides are equally authentic, but they don't get equal exposure. The people in my everyday life know me as the latter, not the former. You guys know me as both.

By writing under an alias, I was able to put up a clear barrier between the two worlds and the two versions of myself. Being your 'English Rose' meant that I was free to be all of me in a way that I wasn't in my everyday life and I clung on to that freedom for dear life. Without it I wouldn't have said half the things I did, taken half of the pictures I had, or ranted in the way I needed to. This blog wouldn't be what it is, or meant as much to you guys as it does, if I had written under my own name. By being someone else, I found myself. 

 Apart from my incredibly supportive and wonderful Mum (best friend and photographer) , no-one in my "real" life knew anything about this blog. Until recently.

You see, when I created my online magazine "Go Lightly", I was so immensely proud and excited about all the hard work and love that I had poured into it, that I needed to share it with you guys. You are the people who took my interest in fashion and made it an obsession. You encouraged me in my writing and styling abilities. Through your wonderful blogs, you inspired me to inspired others. This blog and my magazine 'Go Lightly' would be NOTHING without you guys. I wanted as many people as possible to see my new venture, published under my own name this time, that it seemed silly not to let you guys know about it. You are all my target magazine readers and I wanted you guys to enjoy it and to give you back something for all your support over the years.

I stressed over that decision for so long. Publicising the magazine on this blog would be waving my right and my so beloved freedom of anonymity. I knew that once it was done, it couldn't be undone. I decided eventually that the benefits of going public and in someway linking the blog to the magazine and "outing" myself in the process outweighed the costs, and I still maintain that. But that doesn't mean it hasn't been without its' downsides.

All the things I feared, the many reasons I chose to write under an alias in the first place, have mostly come true. Don't get me wrong, the people in my life are very supportive about my fashionable "persona", if a little surprised that I've kept such a huge part of myself from them. I'm lucky that unlike some bloggers, the people I know don't mock my blog. Or at least they don't to my face. To be honest, I wouldn't care if they did. I'm not big on peer pressure, or the opinion of others. If you know anything about me, it's that I dance to the beat of my own drum. Fashion-wise and life-wise.

But I can't shake the feeling that for everything I've gained, something has been lost. It's not possible to adequately express just how much of a private and guarded person I am. I keep the things that are dearest to me under metaphorical lock and key. This blog, and the "true" me, expressed within each post were in the safest of safekeeping. There is a reason that the people in my everyday life don't know me like you guys do and that's because I'm bullet-proof levels of careful with my true self and with my heart. The me they know is unquestionably the real me, but it's only one part of the complicated patchwork that make up "me". It takes people years to get to knowme like you guys do and that is why this blog meant so much. I was able to show a side of myself that I deliberately keep hidden from view. And now that Pandora's box has been well and truly opened, I'm vulnerable and the freedom and security that this blog offered is no longer there.

The people in my life now read this blog regularly, follow it on Twitter and Facebook and have offered their support to take photos. It's SO lovely of them, but it's the very opposite of what I wanted. There's too much overlap between what is real and what isn't. What is sacred and private, and what is public and accessible. Where 'English Rose' stops and ACJ begins is a line so blurry that it may as well be non-existent. I can feel the social body-armour going on, and the barriers going up, as I go to write a new post.I only ever want to be open, honest and have integrity with you guys and with myself. I figured that rather than be only half of myself, I'd rather not post at all.  And so that's what I did.

So here we are. I know 99.999999% of you won't have read all, or any of this. You're forgiven. I still love you. For the 0.00000000001% that did, I figured I owed you an explanation most of all. To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here. I know it doesn't have to be a negative, that I can turn it into something positive even if it isn't ideal, but for now it feels too messy and not clear enough in either my head or my heart. Any emailed or comment suggestions of how to overcome the lack of anonymity would genuinely be greatly appreciated.

For now I will say just say thank you for everything. For your years of support and loyalty even though I've been a flaky and an appallingly inconsistent blogger. For being true friends who have supported me through the hardest times of my life so far, even though you had no idea what was going on off-screen, and for inspiring as much as I hope I have inspired you. I meant what I said in my lsat post, this blog, and the "real" me would be nothing without you guys and I could never turn my back on it completely. 

Rant over. If you made it to the end, you're my hero.

Hope you are all staying as safe and as chic as I know you all are.

(Only 19 days till Christmas!!)

Ton amie pour la vie,

ENGLISH ROSE xxxx